I can’t out loud.

Hello, whoever you may be reading this. 
There are things I can’t say out loud because I’m hoping people that are around me really knows me enough to know deeper things I try to hide.

So, with the knowledge and assumption that no one or a few reads this, here are some things I want to say but can’t. This may be to my family, friends, or other people.
“I hope you know how much I still try trying to prove myself to you.

I feel like nobody needs me like the way I need them. And that’s alright. Often times, I just make sure, from afar, that though I may not be as fun or as cool like the others, that you guys are happy
That’s the perks of being replaced again and again, you know you can’t ever do the same thing to others.

And the con of it is you’ll never feel assured, even after being assured a million of times, that you won’t be replaced.

“We’ll be fine with only just you, mom.”

“My health is getting worse.”

I lied. The real reason why I didn’t have my wisdom tooth taken is because we’re saving up money for a new nebulizer.

“I talk to myself out loud”

“You need someone to stay” my grandma once told me.

It’s true, i guess. Even though I know my mom loves me so much I know sometimes she wishes I ‘could be like the other boys’ who likes cars, basketball, suits, ties, and those stuff I don’t like.

But reader, I want you to know I’m doing my best to be happy. I found it in God I guess. And though I may think no one will ever stay and that I’ll be replaced always, I’m hoping someone will prove me wrong. 

I think it’s , beside my family, it’s this greatest friend of mine.

I thought that it was her but she left and apparently, for two years now, my best friend is still here.

Lastly, “Thank you.” 

I can’t say it out loud like the way I really mean it so it’s here haha. I’m hoping my best pal knows I’m thankful he’s there. Cause I know I’m a difficult mental guy. So I really am thankful. Can’t say it out loud cause I guess I’m shy.

But,(this is a classic hide-away) I’ll be fine.